These Foolish Things -- remind me of you. 6 ridiculous things.

I’ve been writing on the heavy side for a while. Time to lighten up, I tell myself. Time to find some humor in this ridiculous world we all call home. But it was hard. Recent events and a relapse, and/or new strain of H1N1 (one of which lives in Canada and the other in Florida, according to the doctor at the hospital here) had me under the weather and morbid. I need a good laugh, I said, and didn’t have to go far to find one.

Here’s my favorite. For all of you out there without work, prospects of work, or just simply coming to the end of your finances – I have a new cure. Join the Taliban. Yes – join the Taliban, and the American government will pay you not to fight. I’m dead serious. I found an article on CNN, about U.S. plans to pay Taliban followers not to follow, not to fight. Isn’t this the answer to everything? Here are the details and you really should read this before you book that flight to Kabul.

(CNN) -- "There is a well-known saying in Afghanistan: "You can rent an Afghan, but you can't buy him."

"Some experts on the region believe a U.S. program to pay Taliban fighters to quit the organization is buying temporary loyalty.

President Obama on Wednesday signed a $680 billion defense appropriations bill, which will pay for military operations in the 2010 fiscal year. The bill includes a Taliban reintegration provision under the Commander's Emergency Response Program, which is now receiving $1.3 billion. CERP funding also is intended for humanitarian relief and reconstruction projects at commanders' discretion.

The buyout idea, according to the Sen. Carl Levin, chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee, is to separate local Taliban from their leaders, replicating a program used to neutralize the insurgency against Americans in Iraq.

"Afghan leaders and our military say that local Taliban fighters are motivated largely by the need for a job or loyalty to the local leader who pays them and not by ideology or religious zeal," Levin said in a Senate floor speech on September 11. "They believe an effort to attract these fighters to the government's side could succeed, if they are offered security for themselves and their families, and if there is no penalty for previous activity against us."

But said that while the plan has a "reasonable chance for some success," the old Afghan saying will eventually be borne out.

"So long as the Americans are keenly aware of this, you're buying a very, very, very temporary allegiance," he [Nicholas Schmidle, an expert on the Afghanistan-Pakistan region for the non-partisan New America Foundation], said. "If that's the foundation for moving forward, it's a shaky foundation.""

See? I wasn’t joking. While you’re still waiting for the relief promised for your mortgage, or a job, and your life situation is a little shaky – the country that can’t afford health care is paying the Taliban not to fight – so hop on down to the Taliban recruiting office and sign up. I mean what’s the down side? Your family is depending on you, so don’t be slow.

Second? Sara Palin. (Oh please, Levi, do tell.) She’s ignoring you – didn’t you hear?

Third – this comes from real life. There’s a lady I met here in Florida four years ago, and although we’re not what I’d call friends, apparently we are in her eyes. I guess the news of my return got around to her, and she came by for a chat, despite the fact I'm sick, and had a glass (or three) of my cheap wine. She’s about to lose her job, which is a truly big issue for her, more than most. Her job is her life, to the exclusion of her one and only daughter, her grandchildren, society in general, and everyone but me, so it seems.

What is her job? She works for a Florida bank as the manager of foreclosures. (Boo! Hiss!) And trust me, personality wise, this is the perfect job for her. Apparently, every house that can be foreclosed has been, in Florida, and the bank no longer needs her services, as the end of their business in that area looms on the horizon. Now, on my street alone, several houses have been foreclosed over the past four years, and then rented out to those that lost other houses to foreclosure, and are renting these, waiting out the three years before they can buy the houses they are in now. I got a little dizzy. And not just from the wine.

“Do you mean,” I asked, trying to understand the point of it all. “That you foreclose on a house; force the people to move, then rent said house to other people who have had to move because their house was foreclosed?”

Even she looked dizzy, as though she’d never looked at the situation from this point of view. “Yes.”

“Well, why not just let the original people stay in their houses, and rent them?”

“We couldn’t do that!” She was affronted. “They have to leave if their mortgage is called. That’s the whole point.”

“But ....” I gave up. At least moving companies, U-Haul, and all those deposits for utilities were making money for someone.

Fourth – health coverage in this country. Okay – here’s the situation as I see it:

We have the greatest country the world has ever seen, and it doesn’t provide health coverage for its citizens, because a private industry (exempt from anti-trust laws) are set up to do so, BUT they won’t take on anyone who has a pre-existing condition that might lead to an illness, and those who may have paid into their scheme for years will be dropped if they get sick, so then those that need health coverage the most can’t get it, and the Democrats are trying to pass legislation to rectify this problem, but the bill is now so messed up that apparently 90% of Americans won’t be able to get it, and if you can get insurance through work, you can’t even apply even if it might be less expensive, and now it’s states – not individuals – that can opt in or out, and --- oh this is just so f**ked! Again, I give up on understanding.

So, I went out and applied for health insurance yesterday, to see what it’s like. I’m very healthy, although I do suffer from rheumatoid arthritis, which was diagnosed twenty-seven years ago, for which I do not medicate except for pain now and then (don’t ask what) and the only problem it’s given me is the inability to wear fashionable shoes, and my fingers make lots of typos. But health wise – I’m a good risk (I think.)

Now not having a clue as to how to go about it, I filled out a “help” form on the internet. I’d just hit send when the first of a hundred calls arrived. Wow! I’m impressed, and the first to reach me got the privilege of taking my application. She was a lovely lady and an American (unlike some of the others who tried to “help”.) She gladly took down my answers to her questions – no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yes – I have the pre-existing condition of very slow progressing R.A.

“Oh. Well that makes things difficult.” She hums and haws. “Yes, it’s here on the list as a disqualification, except for – oh, um—here’s one that might accept you.”

“One?” I am astounded. I’m healthy as an ox, and although I can no longer run, I can walk miles. “Only one?”

Yes, only one carrier willing to gamble on my continuing existence. 80% coverage, with a deductible of $5,000 (but she’s quick to inform me, the 20% co-pay is capped at $3,000 yearly, which means at most, I’d only be liable for $8,000 in any one year) at a monthly premium of only $289.99 monthly.

“Okay,” say I, “Let’s go for it.” Who knows, even at that price, it might be more efficient than buying traveler’s insurance every time I cross the border (in which my pre-existing condition non life-threatening is covered, and I have 100% coverage with no deductible to a maximum of $2 million, for $535 for six months – from a Canadian carrier.)

So, we’re filling in the application when she asks, “Your social security number?”

“I don’t have one.”

“What?”

“I don’t have a social security number,” I repeat, then offer helpfully, “But I do have a Canadian social insurance number – do you want that?” I mean really, as long as I’m willing to pay for it, what difference does it make?

“I don’t think they’ll insure an illegal.”

Why not? Wouldn’t it save a lot of problems? But instead, I explain, “I’m not an illegal. I’m married to an American and I’m in the U.S. as a visitor. I’ve been in and out of this country for over forty years, but never illegally. I just want health insurance and I can afford it.”

She had to do some research, and call me back. “Well, seeing as you’ve been in the country for so many years, and you’re married to an American citizen and because you came from an English speaking country, it’s probably all right.”

“An English speaking country?” I query, shocked and suddenly glad I’m not from Quebec. “What does that have to do with it?”

“Well, you know – you’re from a civilized place, with proper medicine, and you’ve had vaccinations.”

Now is probably not the time to tell her how advanced medicine is in places that don’t speak English, like Costa Rica for example, and how most of them provide universal medical care, which automatically suggests better over-all health of their population. Instead, I wimp out. “Oh.”

“Now how do you want to pay for the first premium – credit card or check?”

“I’m accepted?”

“Oh no, not yet.”

“I have to pay before I even know if I’m going to get it?”

“They’ll give you your money back if they turn you down.”

“With interest?”

She sighs, and I plead for forbearance. After all, I’ve never done this before.

“You should hear in a few weeks.”

So, does anyone want to make book on it? Will I get insurance? And if not, what will be my disqualification – my non-life threatening pre-existing condition that has required no medical attention to date, or my lack of social security number. Should I set up a poll?

Next up? Number 5: A TV commercial (yeah, I know, they’re all stupid, but this one goes above and beyond the call.) A young mum fills the screen and whines about all the hardship her family is facing, and pleads, “Oh, Mr. Government man, pennies are nothing to you (no joke!) But to us it’s everything.” A soothing male voice (you know the one – gets my juices going every time) takes over and in his dulcet tones, so persuasive, so seductive says, “Send a message to Washington. American families simply can’t afford taxes on groceries, like juice boxes and sodas.”

A tax on groceries? Oh my God, not even Canada taxes those. Really? But then, the sex-dripping male voice recedes from my memory, and my common sense takes over. Groceries – things like rice, pasta, fresh vegetables, dried peas and beans, potatoes and fresh fruit – now those are groceries and they are not taxed now, nor are they slated to be. But sodas and juice boxes – those flavored, sugar-syrup poisons the North American mum has been duped into thinking are good for her kids – are not groceries. And should not be confused with such. Our children’s diets so rich in sugar in all its disguises are directly responsible for the rise in diabetes (another big industry – check it out) and should be taxed into extinction.

So you, Mister Sexy-Voice Man, are a liar. (I should have known. Almost six decades into my life and I’m still a sucker for a smooth-talking man.)

Six: Rachel Maddow tonight states she is shocked, shocked and appalled to learn the CIA has a king-pin of the Afghan opium trade on its payroll, who is also supporting the Taliban (probably paying them to fight. These guys must be making out like bandits)Has anyone noticed Afghanistan is pretty much on everyone’s televised lips these past few days? Now this story is disgusting, and a true reflection of the times we live in. I have a cousin, and few friends of mine have kids who are currently in Afghanistan – with the Canadian troops over there, and my cousin puts his life on the line every day working to find and neutralize land mines (those things that innocent people step on that blows them to smithereens.) And there’s never any mention of the fatalities and sacrifices that the other troops suffer, but this is a digression. I mean, if you want it all to yourselves, the Canadians would be very happy to go home. Oops, that trickled out and is also a digression.

What I find amusing and foolish about the story, is that she’s surprised and appalled. Now, refresh my memory – which President was in office when the whole story of drugs, arms, money paid, all relating to a group called the Contras, surprised and appalled some journalist?. Oh gosh, the details are gone, and this isn’t the kind of article that requires the effort of research. No, it’s just opinion.

And does anyone remember Chile? And the reign of terror the CIA (allegedly) let loose in that land?

I remember a sixties ditty, sung at political folk music rallies, not quite as popular as “Hell no, we won’t go!” but still a good one. I don’t remember all of it, except the refrain that went like this:

“...down in Santiago, if they get free

They might nationalize IT&T.

Tra-la-la, ditty-ditty-dum

It looks to us like they’re all going red

And our money’s on the generals there instead.”

Now, I thought I had memory lapses, but this great big hole in the national memory banks is a definite sign of encroaching dementia.

Surprised and appalled – oh, please! Now, that is funny.