Hubpages Dark and Stormy Night Contest -- And the Winner is....

The hubbers of hubpages have voted, and the computer has tallied your votes. The winners name is an unkept secret, not audited by Price Waterhouse, not kept locked up in a secure vault, and not really news to anyone. But here it is, all the same:

The winner of the first annual Hubpages Dark and Stormy Night Contest is

                          Theresa McGurk !!!!!!!

"Years later—four, or maybe five, if not six or seven, but really, now that she thought about it carefully, no more than nine, or nine and a half, anyway—she would remember that day (however many years previously) as being the first (or if not the first, then nearly the first; perhaps it was the second) time she had ever known the silent pangs of envy—those creeping, soul-destroying, rampantly pernicious tendrils of despair—at knowing that she stood outside the plated palaces of all that she had longed for and had believed herself worthy of attaining, or, if not attaining, of having thrust upon her by an outward force of destined opulence and outright entitlement to majesty that she now realized was not to be, was never to be, could never have been, and all she could then envision for her future was the bleakest of attainments: the second-rate perch of a tawdry, failed presumptive; an armoire of the cast-off robes of superannuated ministration; and the mealy, dun-colored appurtenances of shadow-dwelling officiates in the sequestered gloom of servile, downward-gazing, lick-spittle lackeys who know nothing of the amenities, indulgences, and superfluities of success. " - Teresa McGurk

As the moderator of this event, it is my sincere pleasure to be the first to congratulate Theresa for her stunning achievement, this opus which will go down in the annals of hubpages as a truly great sentence.

Come September, when the world-wide Bulwer-Lytton contest (AKA Dark and Stormy Night Contest) is open for entries, hubpages champion, Theresa McGurk will face off to the worst writers in the world.

Good luck, Theresa.

Now, it is my great pleasure to present this glorious virtual trophy to this year's winner.

Theresa McGurk!

First, a heartfelt thank you to our hubteam for making this effort the success it was, and for the skill they displayed in choosing ten finalists.

Thank you, very much. Lynda Martin

To all the other fine entries

Thank you one and all for the entering our contest -- 521 entries (my goodness) and so many excellent efforts. I hope you'll all come back again next year for the Second Annual Hubpages Dark and Stormy Night Contest.

And now, to this year's winner, Ms. Theresa McGurk

Congratulations and well done. It was my great pleasure to deliver the virtual trophy via email this afternoon. (And it took a lot of searching to find one this grotesque.)

Your entry was wonderfully bad, as bad as bad can get (perhaps you should consider finishing the novel you so ably opened here) and quite bad enough to hold its own on the world stage of bad writing. We will all keep our fingers crossed for the Bulwer-Lytton.

Enjoy your trophy in the knowledge it was well earned and fairly won.

Thank you and best wishes on behalf of everyone who made this fun contest possible.

You'll note the space below for your acceptance speech.

(Oh and I've taken the liberty of dressing you as befits the occasion.)

Ms. McGurk -- will you offer your fans here on hubpages a few words please.

The space below is reserved for you.

Teresa McGurk 15 minutes ago

(is this mike on?)

Ladyhubbers and Gentlehubbs, I am honestly speechless at the sight of the trophy, and I know it will be printed out and have pride of place in my coal shed, behind the scuttle cupboard.

To everyone who took part in the "dark and stormy" contest, thank you for being better writers than I am. You can be delighted that, try as you might, you're just too professional and accomplished to really, truly, honestly SUCK.

Lynda, thanks for coming up with the idea--cool, lmmartin! Way cool contest, made us all think about what a first sentence should, and shouldn't, do.

And To the HubTeam inthe august halls of Hubonia, my thanks!

(*overcome with emotion, McGurk is led, trembling, off the stage*)