How to be an Ugly American -- an outsider's view

Today, I felt inspired by the article How to Kill Free Speech by PGrundy, who has obviously been scanning my brain while I sleep and putting my secret thoughts into very fine English, written with clarity, and so succinctly and intelligently. Thank you PGrundy, and keep the faith.

This article moved me to read each and every comment posted (not something I usually do) and then, like a mindless sleepwalker with no control over her actions, I added a quip and an anecdote. It gave me such satisfaction.

But the comments also started a chain reaction in my brain cells, particularly those expressing the horror, the unhappiness and the puzzled incomprehension of believing oneself hated for being American.

First, no one hates you for being American. They may hate the empowered elite of your society who believe the world exists for their purposes alone, but they do not hate you.

You, the individual American is not hated, least of all, by those of us huddled together for warmth just on the north side of the 49^th parallel. Up here, in Canada, we love you. You’re our rowdy neighbors whose parties keep us awake at night. We peer over the fence and watch, wondering what you’re up to now – and why. We listen in, as you tell your campfire stories, sing your songs, drain your beer cans and crush them, and admire your unbridled creativity. Your belief in yourselves is downright amazing and we marvel at that, too.

And we bled for you on 9/11 – literally. Within hours, every Canadian city and town ran a blood drive, collected disaster supplies, sent search and rescue teams to assist, and we cried and cried. We let everyone of those airplanes still up in the air come to Canada and land. We took that risk, and consider for a moment what a great risk that was, because we are your friends and neighbors, and we love you.

BUT – and you knew it was coming – you do have some strange mannerisms that can be off-putting to those who don’t know you as well as we do. So with tongue firmly in cheek, spell checker on, fingers dancing nimbly on the keyboards, let’s explore some of these.

How to be an Ugly American:

“Here he is: the new President of the United States, the leader of the free world …..” -- every newscaster, after every election.

Now look folks, he’s the President of the United States – that’s it. We, the rest of the free world, did not vote for him. Proclaiming him as such would make the free world un-free. By definition, the free world is free to elect their own leaders and does -- sometimes more often than we want to. (Yes, we’re having yet another election up here – yawn.) So, don’t you think that’s just a little – I don’t know – self-aggrandizing?

“This is the greatest country in the whole world.” – every American who ever had more than two beers.

Okay, it’s a nice country and I know it well. I’m married to an American and I spend six-months less a day in the U.S. every year, own a home there, travel the country extensively and have many American friends. It’s a beautiful country, a wonderful country and sometimes, a great country -- but the greatest country in the whole world? How do you know that? Have you lived in, worked in and explored every other country? Seems to me, the quality of a country, like beauty, is in the eyes of the beholder.

“This is our hemisphere.” – Ronald Reagan

Yeah. Thank you for allowing the rest of us to live in it. And by the way, how did he divide the globe? I’m not sure if he meant everything north of the equator was “ours,” or did he divide it longitudinally, keeping only the Americas and the Atlantic and Pacific oceans?

“Our God given rights as Americans …” – too many to enumerate here.

So the founding fathers left Philadelphia, climbed the nearest mountain and received the Declaration of Independence, and the Constitution on tablets of stone. Or perhaps they took dictation from a burning bush.

There was a time when the individual was considered of small import, and to make up for that, everything said was shrouded in the majesty of God. It was the fashion of the day, people – that’s all. Did God, the great omniscient God, look down on this particular group of people and assign them special rights, rights that wouldn’t apply to everyone? Why would He? I’ve read the Bible many times and I’ve never caught God giving rights to anyone.

Why is it not enough to celebrate the intellect and courage of those men who drafted this magnificent document without bringing God into the picture? Americans as the new “chosen people” is just a little uncomfortable.

“If you’re not with us, you’re against us.” – George W. Bush

One could have fun with the words of this particular man ad infinitum, but that is not the point.

It is possible to disagree with an action without being an enemy. Sovereign nations, like individual people, may seek their own destiny, follow their own conscience, decide for themselves what is and is not the right course of action to take. A statement like this sounds like some playground bully using his size to intimidate and he will never have any real friends.

“Do whatever it takes to save American lives.” – George W. Bush

To be fair to old George, this is a theme reiterated by many U.S. statespersons, and is only applied to him here, because he was the last one to say it. It’s a phrase we hear often, and one that is truly hateful – sorry, but it is. All lives are equally sacred – and there’s nothing more to say.

“If it wasn’t for all those Mexicans, taking our jobs…” – my neighbor in Florida and everyone he knows.

Call me stupid, but I don’t get it. How is it that Mexicans can come into the country and find a job when he couldn’t? And of course, not just the Mexicans but also all the illegal aliens, (another term that boggles the imagination) the immigrants, and even those who move from one part of the country to another, they are all to blame for the lack of jobs.

Why didn’t he take that job, himself? I asked him. He’s a union man and won’t work for ten dollars an hour. Honest, and the fact he’s unemployed is all the fault of those that will.

Who would figure? He said I couldn’t understand, being Canadian. Obviously, he’s never been to Canada. Our borders leak, too. And ask a German about the Turks and the Russians. Ask a Frenchman about the Moroccans and Algerians. Ask the British about everyone.

Folks, it’s a world phenomenon. You’re not special – got it?

“Canada is one of those little fish that hang around the sharks to keep safe – why don’t you pull your own weight and God save us from the mess you’re in.” – an oil-company exec I met in Oklahoma, whose name I won’t mention, but he knows who he is.

Canada doesn’t spend a lot of money on military. We have one – a military, but we call them peace-keepers, ‘cause we avoid wars whenever possible … lots of Canadians dying in Afghanistan, though.

Now, the reason we don’t spend a lot of money on arms and such, is because we think it more important to provide a social safety net so no one needs to starve, or be homeless (deadly in our climate) and to give basic medical care to everyone, and yes, I know you’ve all heard of the problems up here. So have I, but to be honest, I’ve had excellent, timely medical care all my life, and I’m a cancer survivor (thank you Canada) so I’d disagree.

Sure, sometimes you have to wait for a procedure, but not if it’s critical. Sure, if you need a heart-transplant, or a new liver, you might die waiting, but you can die waiting for attention in a charity hospital in any one of the fifty states. Here everyone gets check-ups, vaccinated, examined when sick, stitches and other appropriate treatment when needed and if we have a car crash – we’ll be looked after, without giving up the house.

I have friends south of the border with children, who have to ask themselves are my kids really sick enough to need a doctor, and if so, what will I sacrifice to pay for it. And they are working! What is happening to all those who aren’t working?

Stop, I just told myself. Don’t rant on this one. They’ll call you names.

But – I just can’t help myself – we manage to do all these commie, socialist things and still maintain free speech, free press, and freedom to make any and all the choices anyone could want, freedom to seek your destiny, freedom to stay and build a life or to go and seek it elsewhere. Need I say more?

Now, back to this oil exec, who says we don’t pull our own weight. Most of us up here sit and wonder who it is that’s about to invade us, who do we need protection from and why should we waste our resources on preparing for an eventuality unlikely to exist? Those nations diametrically opposed to us would never find the resources, and those powerful enough to have them, already own us – as they do you.

Any trip to a local store will tell you who has the jobs making things, the jobs that used to be yours, and now you’re borrowing tons and tons more money from them. It’s in their best interests to leave you alone.

1.7 billion dollars cross the 49^th parallel every single day. Canada is America’s biggest trading partner. We are not a dependent nation you’re dragging along.

And if we are invaded one day, (about the same day Bill Maher becomes a republican) we do have a higher rate of private gun ownership than you do (surprise!) and we’ll deal with it, if and when it happens. If you choose to help us, thank you for being a good friend. And if you don’t – we’ll do our very best (all things considered) to keep them busy so they don’t get to you.

Or maybe not – it might be too cold.